This I Shamelessly Tell You

When I was bad, a short memoir/confession, and a few tips on safety for some of my straight, female friends

by Rajkhet Dirzhud-Rashid - August 2008
photo by Dr. Steve - Model: Krystal

Going through the worst days of my Venus (planet of love and relationships in my astrological chart) being transited by Saturn (just say planet of 'no fun'), made me reflect back on some of the things I've done in my life that still make me cringe remembering them.

Some are so heinous, I won't share them even here, in this little confessional, but know, even an ordained minister like me has a dark side, a very dark side at times.

What can I say, there is that saying, "a witch who can't hex, can't heal", and I'm guessing a minister who isn't familiar with his/her own demons can't counsel anyone on ridding themselves of theirs. Call it an integrity thing.

I'd say one of the worst things I ever did in my life (or so I thought after my little epiphany in my back yard, when at the age of about six or so, I declared to the universe I'd never kill anything else) was initiating a series of experiments on innocent frogs. It was probably more sinful that I got my little sister, who doted on me and my older brother, to help me with these experiments. These involved two little girls (us), gathering a passel of frogs, of various sizes, two of my dad's sharpest razors, and opening up the little beasties so we could 'see what's inside'. It never occurred to me that we were ending their lives at the same time. Such is the nature of children, I think, of a certain age.

Grown older, and a lot more interested in figuring out how many orgasms I could have, and how many guys I could have them with, I slept with a number of married men. Yes, I know it was a wicked thing, but the sense of power I had when I slept with 'forbidden fruit' was too heady at the time to ignore. Some of them, like a certain Greek dude, I hooked up with though means I've mostly forgotten (this was during my days of pot and booze), had me give him a little mouth action in his car in a parking lot. I remember he tasted like baking soda, and I felt like the hottest thing on earth afterwards. We parted, and there were others, including a couple of Korean dudes I met by being a customer in a store they worked in. Lots of sex, no strings and later me crying a lot, when they were unavailable, due to prior claim from wifey and family. I also stole some candy from a place I worked when I was just blossoming from girlhood into young womanhood. It felt so right, since I hated the place and often had to deal with redneck customers, one of whom called me the N-word when I wouldn't wait on him and his son before a long line of customers who'd arrived before Mr. Dickhead. My friends and I ate the candy, and I pretended it never happened after the M&Ms, and red vines (my faves to this day) were all gone. I cheated on a boyfriend I loathed, who also kept my ass from being on the street when I left home for the first time at eighteen, sleeping with one of his friends in the living room, while my odious then boyfriend was in the bedroom. I still remember that orgasm to this day.

I'll also add that a lot of the 'bad' things I did, sexually, I did not wear protection, so I consider myself lucky to this day to still be alive. This, I thought of when another of my straight, female friends told me a mutual straight female friend is preggers. So, I decided to interrupt my little confessional and give some advice to my hetero girl friends. Honey, even if he is built like Adonis and your head is swimming from how attracted you are to him, when it gets to the horizontal tango, make him wear a condom. Put it on with your mouth and he'll adore you forever and you won't have an 'oops' or 'oh crap no!' moment to deal with. 'Cause remember, if he can make you a single mom, he can also leave you with an STD. Babies, I want you around with tales of your own to tell, so stop using your pretty heads for hat racks and use them to think, okay. Trust me, no dude's worth all that worry, and you don't need any extra wrinkles or gray hairs, now do you? Been there, almost died from an 'oops' moment too.

This, I shamelessly tell you.