Happy 2009, ladies and gentlemens! Did your holidays rock like Axl Rose? Mine did, although I didn't actually do much partying over the Christmas holidays as I was busy with my annual "toys for sluts" drive, plus all the Seattle snow kept me holed up in my Greenwood penthouse suite for the latter part of December with nothing to do except post mindless bulletins on myspace and play Naked Twister by myself, which is always enjoyable. I'd like to welcome all the new readers in St. Louis, if you haven't heard of me yet my name is Paul Ace Diamond "Huggy" Blow and I'm a legendary hipster stud up in Seattle. Just google me, you'll find out. This may actually be my last "Huggy Talk" column for a while as quite frankly I've run out of things to say. Then again, I may just convert this column into a recipe swapping column, as I feel that's something that The Sinner lacks at this time and I've got some great rice pudding recipes that I'm just dying to share. Now then, everybody and their mother are publishing their "top ten of 2008" lists and what the hell, I've got some lists too, but I'm going to keep them extremely short and extremely stupid, because that's the way I like it. So without further ado, here are my 2008/2009 lists... dig if you will!
HUGGY'S BEST OF 2008 LIST
Best bartender of 2008... I really wanted to give this to Lawrence at the Victory Lounge again, but he's retired from bartending and moved on to other things, so this year Holly at the Funhouse gets this coveted award. She pours a mean PBR and looks hot doing it.
Best rock concert of 2008... the Martin Scorcese Rolling Stones film that I finally saw. Keith Richards is STILL the man!
Best frozen pizza of 2008... the "Sleazy P" pizza, sold exclusively at the Dollar store.
Biggest surprise of 2008: "Chinese Democracy" finally came out! Unbelievable!
WHAT'S IN, WHAT'S OUT FOR 2009
- Tighty whiteys are IN... they're not just for gays and geeks any more!
- The word "hella" is officially out, thank God Almighty!
- Seattle Sonics bobble-heads are out for good.
- Smokin' hot lead guitar bits are back IN style in rock music, but the annoying "Zakk Wylde squeals" are OUT, thank you very much.
- Chinese Checkers is THE hot game to play in 2009, and the green marbles are particularly sexy this year.
HUGGY'S GOALS FOR 2009
- Organize my white sock collection by date of purchase.
- Appear on the Conan O'Brian show to "promote the new album."
- Perform a spoken word duet with William Shatner.
- Publish "The Huggy Blow Cookbook Vol. 2: 101 Ways To Serve Sweet Yams."
- Finally sing Milli Vanilli's "Blame it on the Rain" at a karaoke bar and not suck.
HUGGY'S PREDICTIONS FOR 2009
Sinner music columnist Guitar Doug will officially change his name to "Harmonica" Doug, claiming he likes the sound of it better. President Barack Obama will be the first American president to grow watermelon in the Rose Garden. George W. Bush will move back to Texas where he will open the official George W. Bush Presidential Library, which will consist mostly of comic books, an old Sears catalog, and unread newspapers. The Big Three automobile companies will all collapse, but Mattel Toys will step in to fill the void with an exciting new line of Hot Wheels (tm). As the recession continues to wreak havoc the stock market will plummet even farther and Bill Gates will trade all his soon-to-be-worthless Microsoft stock for "magic beans." It will prove to be a good investment. The Iraqi reporter who threw his shoes at George Bush will open a chain of highly successful shoe stores with the slogan: "This shoe is for you." Sarah Palin will get her own cable television talk show in which she will interview interesting Alaskan folk, but the show will be cancelled after two episodes due to a lack of interesting Alaskan folk. It will be replaced by a new reality dating show starring Brett Michaels' blonde wig and Danny Bonaduce's former roommate's second cousin. In the music world, Ozzy Osbourne will release an album of poetry and spoken word titled, "Diary of a Sensitive Man," which will be sold exclusively through Starbucks Coffee. Britney Spears will stage a successfull comeback this year, but Vanilla Ice's comeback as an Emo rocker will fail miserably.
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Got a question for Huggy Blow? Got naked pictures of your hot mom? Email them to Huggy at paulblow@gmail.com or hit him up on myspace at myspace.com/paulblow.
January 2009