GREETINGS! Allow me to introduce myself... my name is Cornelius Zephyr, and yes, I am a chimpanzee. Paul Ace Diamond "Huggy" Blow is on vacation this month and he asked me to fill in for him. I'm always willing to help out a friend, and I do love to write, so I hope you enjoy my attempt at a "Huggy Talk" column.

A little bit about myself: I was born in the future, year 3085 A.D., and lived in a small town called Ape City where I was a successful scientist, philosopher, and circus juggler. I met and befriended your Earth astronaut Charleton Heston after he crash-landed on our planet and I saved him from certain death at the hands of the gorilla army. He later repaid the favor by blowing up the world. Yeah... he's an asshole that way. Fortunately, I was able to escape with my wife Zira back to the year 1976 where my wife and our new-born son were murdered by your fascist government. But I'm not bitter about that anymore... I now understand that intelligent talking apes are just too much for your small, filthy human minds to comprehend and you seek to destroy what you do not understand. Like I said, I'm not bitter. Since then I went on to a community college where I earned an A.A. degree in animal psychology, I became a professional webmaster, and occasionally perform Spoken Word at local coffee shops.

But enough about me... here are some questions that have rolled into the HUGGY TALK inbox and I'll do my best to answer them:

Dear Huggy,
I love your column! Tell me, am I sexy enough to be a Huggyslut? (Nude photo attached with email)
-Huggyslut Wannabe (Seattle)

Dear Huggyslut Wannabe,
I'm sure Paul Ace Diamond "Huggy" Blow would tell you that you are a super-sexy hot mama, but heck, that boy'll hump anything with a hole. Personally though, your body is hairless, your snout sunken and undefined, and you probably smell funny as most humans do. To me that's just not sexy. Sorry!

Dear Huggy,
Troubles at my new job... my boss is a fifty-year-old married man and he has the habit of groping my breasts whenever he gets the chance. I need the job and make good money, so how should I handle this?
-Stephanie (Bellevue)

Dear Stephanie,
You were right to come to me... Paul Ace Diamond "Huggy" Blow would've probably said to "grin and bear it" or something ridiculous like that, but luckily for you I am a trained psychologist and understand deviant human behavior. Next time your filthy, groping boss touches you, scream at the top of your lungs, "GET YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF ME YOU DAMN DIRTY HUMAN!" You may lose your job, but you will regain your self-respect.

Dear Huggy,
I've recently discovered that my boyfriend of ten years has been cheating on me behind my back with my best friend. But I still love him... what should I do? Dump him? Forgive him? Please help...
-Carolyn (Los Angeles)

Dear Carolyn,
I've said it before and I'll say it again... the only GOOD human boyfriend is a DEAD human boyfriend. The human boyfriend's mind is filthy and retarded in the ways of love. And his body is hairless and his snout sunken and undefined. How can you possibly love THAT??? I say dump the turd and next time try dating out of your species, maybe an ape... we are very sensitive lovers and would never hurt you in that way. I never once cheated on my wife Zira. Heck, I haven't even had SEX since she was murdered by your fascist government back in 1976. I'm not bitter about that anymore, but I will confess to being lonely... Perhaps we could go out for banana daiquiris some time and discuss this further.

CORNELIUS ZEPHYR'S FASHION TIP OF THE MONTH: Beards and green tunics are making a comeback - that's right, they are SUPER SEXY again for boys and girls of ALL species!

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Got a question for Huggy Blow? Got naked pictures of your hot mom? Email them to Huggy at paulblow@gmail.com or hit him up on myspace at myspace.com/paulblow.

May 2008