written by Ron Placone - January 2009
Dear Former President Bush,
As a comic, I'd like to start by quoting my favorite comedian, Bill Hicks, someone I'm sure you've never heard of and if you were to stumble upon you'd dismiss immediately. Bill Hicks once said, "It's just a ride."
Some rides are positive, some rides not so much, but in the game of life it all is, in fact, just a ride. We're just a chapter in evolution, a small speck of dust on a planet that's been around for billions of years. (Sorry, creationists) In these past eight years sir, I must admit, you've given us quite a ride. Where should I start? The 2000 Election?
Perhaps it was just an illusion, perhaps it was a fantasy land for the extreme neo-con agenda, one which tramples our foreign relations, our civil liberties, the middle and lower classes, scientific exploration, our military, innocent bystanders both native and foreign, and anything else that stands in the way of their agenda. This was what lay ahead for us brave souls in America, with you sir as the commander in chief.
By the time 9/11 rolled around it became utterly clear to everybody in this world that whether we liked it or not you, Mr. Former President, with your valor and your tact were "calling the shots." Even at that point in time your cowboy rhetoric was nothing short of lunacy. But hey, Britney Spears had your back.
While the fingers could be pointed in many directions, you decided to point the fingers at Iraq. Oh G-dub, how beautiful it was. Life was good at Halliburton, your approval rating soaring, and all of your buddies were happy. This was going to be a fun presidency indeed.
2004 came and went, and your all-of-a-sudden-spineless opponent folded like summer lawn furniture in October. Despite gross overspending combined with unbalanced tax cuts, a suffering economy, and suspicion of blatant war deception, you were elected, for real this time.
Of course, we've all been on board these last few years for warrantless wire-tapping, natural disasters completely mishandled, an energy crisis, rising unemployment, and of course let's not forget about you vetoing SCHIP. Hell, what would Jesus do?
Now, I'm not trying to dwell on the past. There's nothing I could say or criticize that hasn't already been said or criticized. I mean honestly, Fox News barely even has your back anymore. Several days ago I was in a tiny motel room in a small college-town in Ohio. Exhausted from a long drive and having several hours to kill before I had to go to the gig, I turned on the television and to my delight there was a retrospective interview with you on CNN. I had already heard your Puppet Master, Dick Cheney, on Rush Limbaugh earlier that day. All I can remember from that sorry excuse for dialog was wondering just how much soap it would take for Rush to get the shit-stain off his nose.
During your interview, however, I decided to jot a few things down. At one point in time you were asked if you ever felt like you let the American people down, to which you responded, and I'm paraphrasing here, "I gave my all." Unless by giving your all you mean delegating your entire work load, I'm not buying it. I mean really George, your vacation time along with your blatant on the job negligence is no secret anymore. You're either the epitome of liars or just delusional, perhaps both.
Moving on, watching you squirm during the talk of Iraq brought a smile to my road-worn face. Sure, the distant answers and fumbling of words is a common trademark for you, but this time, boy did you own it. You had the audacity to say that you "listened to all sides in regards to Iraq." You even claimed people in your own administration encouraged you to end the war in 2006, when asked for names however, you failed to come up with one. You always were only able to take the B.S. so far. Again, I imagined your advisors behind the camera shaking their heads in disgust, counting their lucky stars that by January you won't be their problem anymore.
It's relief that they're feeling, it's relief that I'm feeling along with the majority of the world. Your presidency will soon be over and the only attribute you possess that deserves anything even resembling a compliment would be your ability to dodge a shoe. You were, by far, the worst President in my life time, arguably the worst ever in the history of the United States. Well, I do not plan to focus on your atrocious performance any longer, I do plan to do all that I can as a citizen to assure that you will go down in history as deserved. That is how I feel about you. I supported every measure for your impeachment, a penalty you more than deserved, and now after eight years I can bid you good-bye. I'll drop you a line when I play Texas.