| This, I Shamelessly Tell You.
One Chapter, But Not Chapter One by Rajkhet Dirzhud-Rashid
I was mulling over a few ‘blue chapters’ (you know, memories of grand adventures involving mine and another person’s ‘naughty bits’) in my head, and the thoughts of a few less than joyful experiences came up. Probably because two of these folks had actually called me up (one an ex and one a brief ‘playtoy’ from a few years back, at a convention I regularly attend). Then there was the one who I took to a friend’s gathering, but who also smelled up her bathroom, thus killing my momentary thoughts of crossing that line between ‘just friends’ and ‘maybe lovers’. If you stink up my friend’s toilet in the middle of a party, that, my friend, is a deal breaker for any kind of horizontal tangoing in the future. So I never called my ex. I didn’t call back the ‘playtoy’ after his invitation to join him and some friends out and didn’t call back ‘Mr. Stinky’ either. I’m sure they’ll call again. They always do. Hey, I’m great in the sack, or so I’m told, and hard to get over. And I considered, for others of you gents out there, and maybe some of you gals too (I’m an equal opportunity sort of sexpot) maybe you need to know why those folks you adore so much might not be calling back to accept your invitation to coffee, to dance, or whatever. True, this is by no means a panacea, just my own little ‘list’ of why I don’t call folks back, or see them after a first, or second time ‘rumble in the sheets’. First on the list for me would be if you’re not adequate size wise (and being a bit of a ‘size queen’, that matters a hell of a lot to me), or you’re just bad with the equipment you have. Like, you don’t take my cues when I’m telling you ‘easy with your fingers down there’, or you’re not doing me hard enough when I’m nearly to my ‘big O’. I won’t call people back, or see them again if I think they’re weak. As in, the ex I mentioned can’t handle scary movies or see anything violent. My catnip is things blowing up in movies. My hero is Clint Eastwood. See how being a wimp can be a problem? If you don’t like really spicy food, enough to make your eyes water or get hot watching action films, you won’t be hearing from me again. If you’re clingy, expect me to pay on a date (I’m an old-fashioned female, with four planets in Leo, so I expect anyone I go out with to be equal or a little more than equal to me in every way, especially financially and I always come first in conversations and everything else), or do the mind game thing (why Scorpios are permanently off my dating list) don’t expect to see the ‘P’ or ‘get busy in it’. Finally, if you smell or smell up my bathroom or a friend’s, you’re off the dating list period. Sure, I might see a ballgame with you, but I won’t call you and definitely won’t invite you over for tea or anything else. I sure as heck won’t screw you, ever. Fingernails that cause me hurt ‘down there’ during ‘the nasty’, well, you won’t see me again either. So, if that someone you yearn for isn’t calling you or seeing you or you feel they’re avoiding your calls, these could be some reasons. Call it a day, work on your sloppy self or just move on and consider yourself lucky you didn’t get cursed out or thrown out. When I was all of spunky, sexy as hell and 18, I threw a guy out of my bed, into the cold night, barely dressed, because he kept losing his erection and I got tired of trying to help him please me. This, I shamelessly tell you! |
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