by Brian A. Boone - Vol 3 Issue 26

After a relatively brief two-month stay in Purgatory, actor Christopher Reeve has finally arrived in Heaven. But despite his years as a faithful husband, beloved star of the Superman movies, and a tireless champion for stem cell research, Reeve failed to gain entry to Paradise.

Heaven lacks the wheelchair ramps, elevators, large bathroom stalls, wide doors, and other amenities Reeve would need to access the facility.

Under the 1991 Americans with Disabilities Act, all businesses with more than 15 employees are required by law to be accessible by those using wheelchairs. However, though Reeve is American, Heaven is not part of American jurisdiction and is therefore not required to comply with the ADA.

"I am shocked and outraged that Heaven wouldn't be accessible to handicapped individuals such as myself," Reeve said. "But I suppose I'm more shocked that even in the afterlife, even after I've shed the confines of my flawed mortal coil, I remain crippled from the neck down and confined to a chair."

"I often prayed for the sweet relief of death so that I might be free again, but nope. Here I am. It would make me question the existence of God were he not standing over there by the salad bar," Reeve added.

Reeve then waved to God before God called security to escort Reeve off the premises. A cab was summoned to take Reeve to Hell, where all handicapped people go.