The bleak days and chilly nights of winter have finally passed, sending my young Gemini into a frenzy of thoughts. The warmness of summer air resurrects lost memories of carnivals and festivals alike, days of romance and childlike innocence. Although we both know your thoughts and actions were never that innocent nor childlike, harmless perhaps, but never innocent. Masturbating in public, there are worse crimes. But you already know of those tales.

Perhaps, as in most cases, it was parental pressure that led you to try alcohol. Maybe it was the alcohol that led to these peculiar actions in your youth. Your parent’s insistence of higher education surely didn’t help, perhaps that’s why it was so short lived. And when your father pushed you into the service, who could honestly blame you for drinking yourself out of the contract. Perhaps I would have done the same if I had not found my gift.

But summer is now here, your favorite time of the year. No more cold and lonely days. No more dark nights with a bottle of whiskey as your only companion. You think it’s time to get out and venture the parks and trails, pretending to be normal and sane. Just as the days when you were discharged from the Army. You could have went anywhere, but you went to Miami Florida to avoid Winter’s nasty bite. That didn’t work out too well either. Eventually you headed back north, where family and friends could protect the child who could never grow up.

That was then and this is now, my young-at-heart Gemini. The confines of winter have got you a bit edgy. I can sense it miles away, like a disruption in the force of life. I am worried about you. Your thoughts of erotic rebellion, public masturbation, and such are working against you. And it seems as the days grow warmer so will these suppressed urges you’ve been harboring.

I sense bad times in your future if you do not heed my warning. So stay at home this summer, as if it were the coldest of days. Put that bottle of whiskey down and keep your urges of public masturbation to yourself. And whatever you do, stay home on June 30, July 5, July 12, and July 19. These days are bad ju ju for you my young Gemini. If need be, chain yourself to the radiator in your old apartment and cage these carnal urges before the unknown harm that awaits you can not be undone. Don’t laugh, I offered this same advice to another young Gemini some years ago and he found me a bit comical too. He then went from public masturbation to rape, then to murder and cannibalism. I even heard he was accused of necrophilia. A year later he died en route to the hospital after being beaten with a bar from a weight machine while on work detail in prison. That Gemini was Jeffrey Dahmer. Not so funny anymore, is it my naive Gemini?

So, my young, eccentric Gemini, believe me when I say a few days of sun and warmth a year are better than a cold cell, even more so if someone grabs a pipe and bashes your brains out. It could happen to you, too.

Disclaimer: For all you crazy, fucking weirdos out there, this horrorscope is for entertainment purposes only. It does not in any shape or form depict any real characters or situations in your near future. So please don’t kill anyone. Killings bad, MmmKay?