Back again this month to answer the many questions and
give advice to kings and crack-heads alike is our own lovable Lord of Ultimate Darkness, Lucifer.

Dear Darkest Lord,
I’m feeling just a bit low these days. My old buddy Scott, who use to work for me doing I forget what, was always running around and making jokes about the press. I miss those times. Anyways, I got word that he wrote a “tell all” book about his time with me in the Oval Office. I just want to say right now that I am not an idiot. I prefer mentally shallinjed (challenged). They don’t think I can hear them making jokes – Dick, Karl and Alan – but I’m not deaf; just a little stupid.

He says I’m out of touch with reality because I get all my news from my press releases. Of course, I believe what I say after all; I said it and I’m the President. And now I find out that I don’t know what I’m talking about and that invading Iraq was all about politics. Wished he’d said something six years ago, like it does me a lot of good now.

I keep thinking back to just a few months ago when me and the boys – other world leaders like myself – got together to shoot the breeze about global warming and the high price of oil. You know, gas prices may reach $4 a gallon this summer. My buddy Putin was there. He has the most wonderful eyes. You can look in them past his former commie, ex-KGB agent dictator self and into his soul. The soul of this really great guy. You know my Secret Service code name for him is “Poop-tin Head.” Stuff like that makes me laugh.

Everyone complains that I can’t admit to making a mistake, but it ain’t that easy when you were elected. I represent the American People, so when I make a boo-boo, doesn’t it become our boo-boo? It’s all very funny to make fun of me, but let’s not forget that I was elected into this job, not once but twice. Still, I’ll be glad to move back to Texas when this is all over.
Yours Truly,
The Commando & Chef.

Well CC,
I’m almost moved to tears. I have a few gripes of my own regarding McClellan’s book. He refers to Chaney as the “Magic Man,” like it was him who did all the magic. Hello, the dark lord here, and I can tell you that Dick had more than a little help. After all, selling your soul does have its perks.

But really, CC, why not just declare him an enemy combatant and rendition his sorry ass to Russia. I’m sure your pal Putin has a nice hole dark and deep to store him for a few dozen years, as a favor from one war criminal to another.

Look, have a few beers around the Rose Garden, and watch a little of the ole’ boob tube, and before you can say “Osama – Obama,” three times, you’ll be back to being just another idiot from Texas.
- Lu

If you want to talk to God, see a psychiatrist, or email: god@theseattlesinner.com. To speak with the dark lord Lucifer, drink a bottle of Everclear, or email: lucifer@theseattlesinner.com.

I’ve been getting a lot of letters asking that I explain what’s going on in the economy. It’s called a recession, stupid, and this one won’t be so easy to over come.

Its beginnings really date back to the Reagan administration and the birth of “trickle down” economics, which is the belief that if you give more money to the rich, they’ll spend it and money will flow down the economic pyramid until it trickles to the poor, who get taxed, and the government then redistributes it to the rich. I’m sure by now the absurdity of this system is becoming plain, the trouble being that cash has a tendency to collect in the hands of the wealthy, who basically keep it leaving less money to circulate in the economy. There are only so many refrigerators a person needs.

A healthy economy requires the currency to circulate passing from hand to hand to hand and that means that people have enough money after rent to spend on hair cuts, tattoos, cups of java, or a night out. When money pools with the very few wealthy individuals, it leaves everyone else to make due with credit. An economy that is dependent on credit is a ticking time bomb that goes “BOOM” when the bill is due.

Reagan’s firing of the Air Traffic Controllers, declaring war on Unions and the era of privatization had begun. Union jobs that once paid $20 became non-union at $9. This loss of income was offset by the spread of the credit card and “the buy now, pay later, or just go bust” philosophy (Subsequent administrations have hardened the “go bust” bankruptcy option). This loss of income in the general population trickled up and lead to an economical slow down that busted the Bush Administration with the slogan, “It’s the economy stupid!”

So what does all this have to do with the Sub-Prime Loan Crisis? Well, It’s all about credit, isn’t it? With the fall of the Dot-Coms, a boom created by the rich, as venture capitalists re-circulated their wealth only until it went bust (proving that the rich are as stupid as everyone else), people with cash were looking for ways to protect it and they turned to real estate. Some con man or other told them that property never depreciates and they bought it. So began the land rush of the early 21 century and enter the sub-prime loan.

The banks, in an effort to spur on this real estate boom, decided to enter an economic market that, up till now, they had left to loan sharks. The Sub-Prime Loan was virtually designed to exploit the poor. It offers a low interest rate that is fixed for two years after which it’s a free for all which means it could double, saddling the poor with outrageous interest charges and penalties. Now the trouble with rolling the poor for cash is that, well, they got so little of it. This left the poor with nothing else to do but walk away from their dream home, leaving those poor bankers holding the bag.

You see everyone expected property values to go up, even the banks, so that if you default on your sub-prime, your property went back to the banks along with whatever payments you made, and they get to re-sell it to some other sucker for even more money. The trouble comes when thousands of people default all at once, causing a glut in the market and property values to fall.

This is where it gets a bit tricky. All those folks who owned their houses were using them as assets to take out loans (credit) so they could buy more stuff. Their plan was to sell their houses after a few years at a healthy inflated price that would pay off their loans and still leave them with a retirement fund. However, values begun to trumble, their credit dried up, and they stopped spending; enter the recession.

So for the past 25 years, since Reagan declared war on the unions, your economy has become more and more dependent on credit. You were using it instead of cash, but now your credit line is tapped out and the bill is due. You stop spending and the economy comes to a halt. It’ll take more than a $600 tax refund to start it back up.

One last note, only about 48% of the sub-prime loans went to the poor, the other 52% were suckers who thought their lender was giving them a deal. They are defaulting, too. - Lucifer

The writer’s strike is over and the deity contributors are back at work after management agreed to their demands for their salaries to be paid in the more stable Euro and not the tumbling US dollar. Back again is the ever charming Lord of Darkness, Lucifer.

Hell-O fans,
It’s time for my predictions for the coming year of 2008. These events will come to pass even if I have to go out and make them. I’m an evil deity, and I can do stuff like that.

You guys have been partying big in years past but this New Years the bill comes due. Unable to refinance your debt by using your devaluating houses as collateral, many will be giving home crafted Christmas gifts; talk about lame. Christmas sales sucked and inventories of unsold goods are high, which means lay-offs, however since most everything is made in China these days, the U.S. economy isn’t greatly impacted, until after the “After X-mass” sales. Then expect lay-offs and store closures.

Because 20 years of consecutive Republican Presidents, or Republican Congresses, or BOTH, the support system for the newly unemployed is overwhelmed. So no savings account, your credit cards are max out, and you only have three months of unemployment. It’s time to visit your local recruiter. Bush will view the increase in enrollment for military service as proof that his Iraq policies are working.

Rents finally goes down, as more people start sharing their apartments. Hey the rest of the third world does 10 to a studio apartment, it’s time the U.S. does too.

The next big Bull Market isn’t the greening of your homes, as many economist have suggested, but home security. Even with crude oil at $120 a barrel, people who can afford it are less concerned with energy conservation and more concerned with property preservation. Ammo and Body Armor are great gift ideas for Christmas 2008.

As gloomy as it all may seem, people nation wide embracing their cash poor situation and begin to party as only folks do with little future, and those arrested for disturbing the peace are at least giving a warm bed and meal. Alcohol sales are up ,up, up, and moral standards are down, down, down. Street parties are in again, as homelessness is on the rise.

U.S. immigration policy becomes a key issue in the presidential race as Canada tightens border security as the result of an influx of illegal American Immigrant workers. Both presidential tickets of Clinton-Edwards (Dem) and McCane-Huckabee (Rep) Condemn their neighbor to the north.

As Bush prepares to leave office, efforts to find a University to host his Presidential Library stumble in part because all access to his paper is super restricted, and because of his desire to hire Blackwater for library security. His search ends as a Junior College in Crawford, Texas accepts.

The year will end with the U.S. Dollar gaining strength against the Mexican Peso and Canadian Loonie, as rumors spread of a deal for Russia to buy back Alaska for half a Trillion U.S. Dollars (about 50 Billion Euros).

Remember, as the price of fuel goes up, the price for a hooker goes down, as save your quarters. HAPPY 2008!

If you want to talk to God, see a psychiatrist, or email god@theseattlesinner.com. To speak with the dark lord Lucifer, drink a bottle of Everclear or email: lucifer@theseattlesinner.com.