by Robert Crisman - Vol 3 Issue 34

Katrina was blowing the city to bits and all Bush could say was, “Gee, that’s fucked up.”

Hey, did you hear? Bush got a new lawyer right after Katrina. Given the fact that so many people want a piece of his ass, he’s going to need one.

The lawyer’s a homegirl too, a Kirkland attorney, one Julia Youngs, who laid out the case on September 13 in the morning P-I that George Bush should walk on the New Orleans mess. According to her, what happened down yonder is local government’s fault.

One glitch: her case won’t hold water. It’s weaker in fact than those levies that broke…

Get ready, George. The water is rising. We’ll hear her out, but… Maybe you’d better sit down. Smoke some dope and drift off. Pretend you’re back on vacation or something.

Youngs must have smoked something herself to come up with this one. Her central premise: You can’t blame the feds for Katrina because—and now get this—the states are all sovereign, and therefore best fit to deal with problems in any locale. The Founding Fathers proposed it that way.

See, George? You’re dead already.

Who were Youngs’ Founders, Jefferson Davis and John C. Calhoun? If only Abe Lincoln were here! Given the shit he went through with those slave states back in the day, he’d likely burn down Youngs’ law school.

Here’s some history Youngs skipped in sixth grade: The Founders fixed it so states called the shots in only those matters that they were equipped to take care of. They can’t levy war or regulate interstate commerce to name two examples—so much for “sovereignty” right there—and they take a back seat on Katrinas that level our cities. This is by law. Which, incidently, no state has seen fit to challenge.

Dumb as he is, even George Bush knows this. He took “responsibility” for fucking things up, remember? And why do you think? Because he’s stand-up? Not in this lifetime. He likes to hide when the shit hits the fan. But everyone already knew that he, as “Commander-in-Chief,” was the Head Man In Charge of disaster relief. No way could he weasel his way out of that one, try as he might for two fucking weeks.

But Youngs doesn’t get it. Check her out now on what makes our government great— “the idea that primary responsibility for people’s well-being falls first to the individual, and from there flows through the family and community to local and state governments. It is only after passing through these channels that the federal government is, or should be, implicated.”

Well, let’s see…it took Katrina about two-tenths of a nanosecond to blow through those channels…

I suppose that if Superman had been around things might have been different. There’s one individual who knows how to deal. But he’s on the hunt for Osama bin Laden, on Pluto or something, and just couldn’t make it. And meanwhile, John Wayne is dead… And, so, families, right? The Corleones maybe? Well, uh, no… Communities? Nah, they’re all broke. Well, then, that leaves the state—except name me a state with the hundreds and hundreds of billions that it’s going to take to rebuild the Big Easy, especially given how cash-strapped they are since the feds tightened up on the pursestrings back in the ‘80s. Baton Rouge sure can’t do it.

And who can? The feds! The very same guys who built all the levies that broke… Scary thought, maybe, but who the hell else has the money?

It’s a question to ponder. But listen to Youngs: What’s with these questions? Something bad happens, the first thing you all want to do is hop on the phone to the feds and that’s wrong. You’re just like those sissies in Europe, sucking the tit in those nanny states there. "We must resist this…" It’s "less effective."

Less effective? Katrina was blowing the city to bits and all Bush could say was, “Gee, that’s fucked up.” They had to drag his ass back from vacation! Meanwhile, Cheney’s out pricing estates on the Maryland shore, Condi’s out shopping for shoes, the whole thing’s a mess—goddamn! And everyone knew this fucker was coming! Disaster relief? Where was FEMA? Out pricing rowboats? Must be the check bounced.

You know, the war… Now, if Katrina’d hit Baghdad…nah, they’d’ve fucked that up too.

But Europe is "less effective" than us. The Dutch must be rolling. Most of their country would sit underwater if not for those dikes that have kept the place pretty much dry for some 500 years. But then, the Dutch, they don’t mind paying taxes…

By now even Youngs has to know that her case leaks like soup in a brown paper bag, that the jury’s not buying. So she figures she’s got to convince us that whatever happened, the thing’s no big deal. It’s “important to remember,” she says, “that fewer than 400” died. See? No need for “outrage” or any of those “liberal” emotions.

We can’t help but wonder if part of the reason that she’s so sanguine is due to the fact it was mostly poor Black folks who died. She’d deny it at gunpoint of course but, hell, so would Bush…

In any event Youngs should have held off on those numbers. She sent this in on September 13, while rescue relief was still dredging the muck for more dead. Just days later the count shot past 1,000. The total’s still climbing. So when should people start getting upset, can Youngs tell us? When the count hits 2,000? Ten thousand? When they start finding white folks in clusters?

We’ll wait while she ponders the question.

Meanwhile, let’s hope she’s not working on spec. As should be apparent by now, George Bush is a stiff.