New Product That Costs Too Much and Shortens Life Guaranteed to be Big Seller

by Nick Devlish - Vol 2 Issue 13

A spearhead study group has proven through demographic research and consumer testing that a new product called "White Death Sticks" will prove to be a certain success for its manufacturers. Sold in small packs which are decorated with various interesting cartoon-like designs, White Death Sticks offer an acrid taste to new users and a costly price tag coupled with a decrease in lung capacity and an increased risk of cancer - the leading cause of death in America.

"These products sound absolutely fantastic!" exclaimed Bobby Dubbins, also known as the world's most average consumer and a prime example of the unsuspecting target. "If only someone could lace these things with a highly addictive brain-numbing drug I think I would have to cream my jeans and go buy them by the box if they were available that way." His wife Alicia added that she felt that the tarry taste in his mouth would be extra sexy and his hacking cough would help heighten their sexual experiences.

The concept is simple: light a paper tube filled with a tar-producing dried leaf and breathe the smoky by-product into your lungs by sucking on the tube while holding it between your lips. The researchers were worried at first that the amount of trouble someone would have to endure to go through this ritual would be off-putting, but by reinforcing the concept with cheesy ads that make the user feel good about themselves, it seemed to be worth the effort to the insecure targets.

Body-Oriented Inventions That Never Made It

by Nick Devlish - Vol 2 Issue 16

1. Jam-Suk - The toe-nail dirt vac
2. Supposi-scents – For post-feast complications
3. Extra-Foamy deodorant gel
4. Pocket Pal – The concealed stimulator
5. Maso-click-stik – Circulation reducing jewelry
6. Piggy-Nose – The expanding wire ring for nostrils
7. Ear-imals – Tiny animal molds for immortalizing your ear wax
8. Mrs. Man – Ladies’ mustache razor
9. De-fib-ulator – High-voltage lie detector
10. Ass Tin Crusher – collapsible mini-tins for hiding drugs in your bum.

Devlish Thoughts: Conspiracy Theory Conspiracy

Hey, do you think the government has a bunch of secrets that they would kill to protect? Well you are not alone. And while in some obscure cases I am sure you are right, I think you are probably the butt of the greatest conspiracy of all – the idea that the government is actually organized and intelligent enough to cover up any major situation.

Have you ever tried to hide something from your best friend or your parents? How well did that go once just one other person was allowed into the cover-up circle? Pretty shitty I bet. You see, my point is that even in your fairly thought-out attempt to share your confidence with just one outsider, your entire campaign was squashed by some intelligence leak to which they did not admit (at first). “No, I didn’t tell Carol, I swear. Well wait. I did tell Janine who sees Carol on Thursdays at the club where they waitress. Oh, do you think she said something? Shit, I’m sorry.”

Now take this problem and multiply it by three hundred people who are not savvy enough to realize that working for the government is a mind-numbing experience, and then further multiply it by their level of disgruntle and there you go. No story could ever be kept from the public without a mass murder of epic proportions. And then someone would leak that story.

Your government is plagued by the same problems you have in your personal life only in their case it is way out of control. So rest assured that if aliens are talking to NASA agents or ghosts are working for the CIA or any other story is actually worth getting public attention, it’s gonna get out. Oh ya, one more thing. Don’t tell Carol I broke her CD player.