written by Gavin Loch
2003 Vol 1 Issue 6

This is your old friend Saddam here, living it up in paradise, in Bora Bora. It's so funny; the rest of the world still thinks I'm in Iraq. Where would you rather be? This calculated plan of deception took months of planning. Actually, it is my 'double' who is hiding in Baghdad. I took the idea from the classic film 'I was Monty's Double', which I saw three months ago at the Baghdad luxury Multiplex.

The weather is simply stunning; it is such a change from those sandstorms and the glaring heat of Iraq. These long white robes are ideal: being white, they are cool, as they help reflect the sun's rays. However, we all went snorkeling recently in the clear, azure sea, and the robes made it difficult to swim.

We have recently set up a 'front,” operating as a sailing club, where we will continue to engage in The Holy War against all Infidels represented in the West, since The Great Prophet has spoken His Wise Nonsense (must stop using Capitals all the time to make My Point).

Since removing my moustache, nobody recognizes me, which hasn't happened for a very long time. The sailing is good fun, but it would be better if the boats had torpedoes or rocket launchers. Recently, I even had to take a corpulent American on a trip round these islands - can you believe it! One option of mine was to take out (must stop using U.S. jargon) this Infidel; but then again my 'cover' would have been blown. I wanted to say to him that death and disease would destroy his family, but I was forced to play it cool, and act charming and kind (not one of my strong suits!). He was pleasant enough, although he was a bit disturbed by my military uniform, and the presence of my Kalashnikov beside me. I calmly assured him it was protection against sharks. I think I will have to work on my disguise if I am to keep a low profile.

Coping with ennui is the most difficult part of hiding out in exile. I really do miss the killing and torture, and torture and killing. For the last thirty years, this has been my 'métier'. I will have to find another, but I think it will be impossible. If I am to die here, I would like it to be in style, by means of a pistol duel at dawn, with President Bush. Unfortunately, this does not seem likely; and Britain and the U.S will start the Mother Of All Conflicts, with the killing of innocent Iraqi civilians. The latter saddens me, because after all, that's my job.

Best wishes,
Saddam

P.S. If you wish to help with The Holy War, please send a ridiculously large cheque to:
Baddam Sailing Club
White Beach no. 174
Bora Bora
Somewhere in the South Pacific