written by Gavin Loch
2003 Vol 1 Issue 11

Bling-bling. Razzle-dazzle. The sumptuous jewellery adorning this ageing woman was so bright that I wish I'd brought my Ray-Bans along. Kitted out in a revealing scarlet dress, she lay on my leather couch, resembling an ancient Egyptian princess deeply worried over some trifling matter. The creature opposite me was none other than Joan Collins: 'girl-about-town' and ex-soap star. Mutton dressed as lamb!

'And so doctor, I was up town, shopping like, walking down this boulevard, when this young man approached me', said Ms Collins, her eyes and hands very animated, as if telling the most amazing tale. 'But instead of like begging for an autograph, as people do, he simply asked if I used to play a supporting role in 'Dallas'. Can you believe that? Don't people know who I am anymore! It's making me so depressed like!'

Do these people ever stop acting, I thought to myself. Her tale was rather funny however; but I proceeded with caution. 'Tell me Ms Collins, how long have you experienced these feelings of neglect?'

'Well, like during the last six months, I've haven't done any OK! or Hello features, chat shows, guest appearances on holiday shows, or had any sensational biographies about me. Like, I've only done one premiere - the Charlie's Angels film, which did result in a photo of me in the National Enquirer. But how can I, like, survive on one photo in six months?'

'Indeed. Have you considered doing a cover feature for an adult magazine?'

'I did ask Penthouse recently, if they would, like, do a 'special' on me, seeing as it's about twenty years since I last appeared on their cover'.

'What was their reaction?'

'They told me I would be most welcome if I paid them $100,000.'

'Well, you could always become an escort girl for a young man. That would certainly guarantee you lots of publicity'.

'I already am - for Percy!' Percy being her toyboy (at least half her age of seventy) fifth, or is it sixth, husband. The wedding did get her lots of publicity, largely due to their age difference, but that was a few years ago. Maybe she should divorce him and get the same amount of publicity! A feature in OK! to evoke pathos. Marriage is good for that - especially in Hollywood. Think Lisa-Marie Presley, J-Lo, Liz Taylor and so forth.

'Ms Collins, don't you think you're getting a bit past your sell by date for all these parties and premieres and chat shows?'

'Is this cruel sarcasm an extra, or is it all part of the service?'

'All part of the service! When you do attend a premier in the evening, how do you spend the rest of the day?'

'I get up, read my fan mail, call my agent to see if I have any invites to shows, then spend five hours choosing a dress with my personal assistant, then two hours getting 'prepared', then two hours looking in the mirror admiring the sleek and attractive young thing I am to be for the premiere'.

Her symptoms were starting to worry me a great deal. 'Ms Collins, my verdict is that you are suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder, or Fame Withdrawal Symptom. For you, life without publicity is like having your oxygen supply cut. You experience feelings of depression and neglect. I'm afraid the condition is irreversible, and will continue until you depart this earth. My only solution is to send you to a deserted camp on Pitcairn Island, thousands of miles from the nearest continent. There, you will have no television or access to the 'celebrity lifestyle” whatsoever'.

'But I can write about my experiences once I return, and then I'll be in so much demand, and there can be a film made'.

'You won't be returning - and the sooner I get you there, the better'.

'By the way, you wouldn't be interested in sharing a taxi back to my place?' She raised her eyebrows seductively, resembling a faded geisha still clinging on to her luxurious past.

'Absolutely not? But I wouldn't say no to a signed copy of your 'memoirs''.