written by Gavin Loch
2003 Vol 1 Issue 5

On the eve of her 3rd marriage, Jay-Lo, a Latino actress and pop star, describes an 'average' day in her hectic life

“Depending on what I've been doin' the night previous, I will rise at exactly 7:23. This is because these numbers represent the chiska force of Supreme Harmony and Well-Being. Failure to wake at this exact time upsets my inner levels of chiska, which have been honed accordingly over the last few years. It is essential that I wake at this specific time on the day of my wedding. On that day, I have ordered 3 of my 25 servants to enter my bedroom (hereafter referred to as my Shrine) at exactly 7:20. If they fail to wake me at this time, then I will go ballistic, and they will be dismissed immediately from the employment of Jay-Lo.

“Upon awakening, I bathe my face in the tears of a Tasmanian otter, as it is believed to increase wisdom and eternal youth in the user. I then look at myself in the mirror for ten minutes, admiring the beautiful, sexy, exotic, talented Latino creature that I am, while also getting my ears fanned by a pair of tiny, rare Venezuelan hummingbirds. As a finishing touch, I apply some of my own stunning fragrance Blow. It really does make all the difference!

“Then, I will get my hair 'prepared' by my hairdresser Steve, who accompanies me on all my official engagements. I also have a make-up person, personal assistant, secretary, masseur, lifestyle guru, and bodyguards in my entourage. I just cannot live without them, because being such a wonderful 'star' I must always look exquisite.

“At 8:00 one of my head servants will knock on my Shrine door, 'Ms Jay-Lo, your breakfast is all prepared.’ My previous husband . . . I can't remember his name! Anyway, he never liked how I shortened my name to Jay-Lo: he said it sounded like a brand of bleach! How dare he. But he's history now. Anyway, I like to compartmentalize my life, and my new name is a part of that.

“After my special macrobiotic breakfast, prepared by my dietician, I call a meeting with my Chief Lifestyle Guru Sukie. Sukie advises me on lots of really important, vital life issues: such as what to wear. If it's a premiere, she'll say to wear as little as possible, a sexy dress if it's a music awards, and so on. Without her, I'd be like a fish out of water. I just don't think I could decide what to wear, or how to conduct myself in certain situations.

“Another thing Sukie helps me with is my fitness. Being fit and having a good curvy figure is vital for me to withstand the demanding pressures of being a popstar and actress. She has devised a routine for me to perform various activities and callisthenic exercises: these achieve bodily health and produce strength and grace of movement. In particular, they tone my main asset: my butt. People always talk about my bum, but I don't mind the attention. My bum has made me the star I am today. I wouldn't want the public to think that I've got where I am because of my singing and acting, as opposed to simply being a pretty Latino girl with a huge ego and a big butt. Speaking of this, I have a new exercise video out soon, entitled 'How you too can have a butt like Jay-Lo'.

“If I have enough time before I go out to work, I'll have a quick massage in my private gym/sauna. My personal masseur is a Mr. Koch from eastern China, and he will massage my body - scalp, legs and shoulders, in particular. Then, as I lie on my front, he applies warm, oval-shaped stones onto my back and bottom, while he chants ancient incantations to align the Haagi pressure points in my body to specific stars in the cosmos. The latter relates to my unique spirituality and destiny. Afterwards, I feel so much more a 'whole' human being.

“When I head off to my recording studio and offices, I am generally driven there in my 40-foot stretch limousine, despite it being only 500 yards away! It's the most wonderful limo ever, bright red with 'Jay-Lo No1' in gold lettering on the number plate. Inside, it has a small cinema, disco, a billiard table, piano bar, a sun-bed, and most wonderful of all - a 20 foot swimming pool. When I travel to my studio I only have time to do about 1⁄2 length of the pool! It's better when I'm on tour as I have more time to spend, or making a film, where I use it instead of a trailer because it has sleeping and washing facilities. I always have to keep myself occupied. I hate boredom.

“My recording studio and offices are part of my business: Jay-Lo Inc., of which I am Chief Executive. I oversee all my upcoming engagements and appearances on chat shows, as well as film scripts sent to me. If I don't have enough time, I generally get one of my entourage to read over it, and pass it on to me if they consider it below par. When appearing on a chat show, I fax the studio a week in advance with a list of my requests: toilet paper with Jay-Lo Inc. on it, coffee from the mountains of Costa Rica, an exercise bike, a PlayStation2, trampoline, tree leaves from the island of Madagascar, wallpaper in the colour of tree leaves from Madagascar, and so forth. I won't list them all, as it would take me the next five hours.

“As I consider myself primarily a singer/songwriter, I usually work hard at my 'craft' in the recording studios, working on my vocals, and writing new songs. My latest single 'I Love It' only took me about five hours. It's the only song I've written where all the lyrics are the same as the title. It's something a bit different.

“However, at the moment most of my time is taken up with my forthcoming wedding, planning arrangements, press coverage, honeymoon, and sale of wedding photos. It's all so hectic, but it will be worth it. I just know that this marriage is The One. After my 2nd divorce, I received lots of requests from men keen to become my next boyfriend. I responded by sending out an 'application pack', complete with description of the 'post'. All had to give an answer to the question: Highlight your special skills and qualities, and what it is that appeal to you about this 'post'? Most just said Money and Sex, which is typical; but one man, a philosophy graduate, wrote a 5,000 word 'dissertation' on why he'd like to be my boyfriend. I called him in for an 'interview', but he was boring and just wasn't on my level. Funnily enough, my current fiancé just met me at a premiere, where he told me that I was the most wonderful and beautiful woman ever. I was so flattered that I decided to make him my next husband!

“In the evening, I may go out for an expensive meal with my friends, and then go to a nightclub, complete with an entourage of 20. If this is the case, I won't get back home until early morning. Other times, I may finish work and come straight back home at about 6pm, and then watch a film in the evening or play with my pet lynx Mr. Chips. I don't really have a normal day, because I can be touring or making a film.”

I hope you have enjoyed reading the exclusive account of life inside the world of Jay-Lo Inc.