Putting the X Back in Sex

by Nadia Moore - Vol 3 Issue 34

It’s been a dry couple of months in toy land for me, with very few lovely new baubles and ticklers to flirt with my fancy, so much so that I was inclined to write up a review of my own left hand and its whimsical digital delights (ah, but watch for that curling pinky – aesthetically pleasing but really doesn’t carry its own weight when it comes to tawdry torment). Not to say that elsewhere in me-ville it has been parched… nay, a veritable flood of sex-induced storm fronts has wreaked heavenly havoc on my nether regions, and gloriously, amorously have I bathed in their wake.

Yes, this reviewer is deep in the L, the one we call Love. Funny how the presence of a constant coital companion makes the days without shiny new clit-bangers seem fuzzy pink and full of glee despite the lack of more batteries than one can shake a jelly dong at. I’ve long held that I’ll take person-power over horse-power (and I’m not stepping anywhere near a barn in either case), but the joys of electronics in the company of a loved one are not to be dismissed. While I’d happily do with less (and yes, I have even recently pruned my collection to get rid of those buzzers that just won’t buzz and those dildos that just won’t dill), having an assortment of tricks to keep up my love sleeve at least gives me article fodder and keeps the masses appeased and aroused.

Needless to say, I was both awed and amazed when I came home recently to find a lovely box of treats awaiting my “deep research” and reviews, and even more so when I pulled out a massive and mysterious box that contained the Sutera Gen X Vibrator. Grabbing hold of box and boy, I dashed up the stairs to reflect on the majesty of the profession, meditate on the toiling hours of research and revision that go into the design phase of any device, and… oh bother, I just wanted to plug it in and watch it go! Impression number one: Ooooh, shiny! Impression number two: Yow, that's big and bumpy! Impression number three: And hey, SHINY! (I'm big on the shiny, yes.)

But rather than spend the next few hours watching the light play off its glistening surface or peering at my prone reflection in its mirrored surface, I decided to go all out and take it for a spin. After several moments of utter confusion in looking for the magical ON switch, my beloved buzz bee of a boyfriend said "Um, I think you have to unscrew it before we can screw with it... Also, here's the remote." And then he gave me that winning grin that melts me ever so. Oh, that boy is so cute.

Meanwhile, back at the snatch... Digging through the assorted tools lying about we finally found a suitable screwdriver (minus the vodka) and got the shiny bottom part detached from the shiny other bottom part. This baby certainly seals up tight (as well it should, being touted as a waterproof wonder) and I thought fondly of how it would seal me up tightly too! Being that I have such a collection of toys and that I like to keep them in good repair by taking out the batteries while not in use, I can see how this great "feature" may be a bit of a drawback... all that screwing and unscrewing can leave you stripped – if you're a screw head that is (and who among us isn't). Alas, once it was all locked and loaded, I was fit to be exploded, and anxiously fiddled with it once more to get it (and me) turned on.

So here's the thing... It's completely remote controlled! There is no emergency backup rev-it-up override, so my vibratory pleasure is completely dependent on one thing – the remote control, which handily enough comes with a keychain-like attachment (they must have known just how I love to insert uncomfortably large buzzing items into my hoohoo while driving on the 520). The remote controls just two settings: rotation and vibration (one for the swirling bumpy beads and one for the magic clit-stimulating fingers). This is the first toy in my own collection to have representative humanoid diddling digits, and here I was just getting used to the dolphin noses, rabbit ears and tentacled alien spaceships! The two extremely long fingers, while threatening to poke me repeatedly in the navel, did indeed wiggle their way into that soft spot in the boat... and how!

Now a few words about multiple functions: With most toys, having anything for clitoral vibration power other than HIGH is almost non-essential. I like it hard and heavy and I like it non-stop until I can't take it anymore and I sense impending spoo-dom. I have to physically kick it away before I'm licked into a twitching huddled mass of over-stimulation. Of course, many of the multi-speed and multi-function vibes out there give you a lot of useless intermediary levels under the guise of giving you more! For the sake of those with less resistance and who like to build up to the burst, I'll concede that a good vibe will have a fast and a faster, but that's about it.

This vibe has just one speed, and that's fine in my book, seeing as it's definitely in the faster category. And for the dual-rotation with the ever-so gnarly undulating twat-bungler beads, the high speed rotation can only be beat by the practically-randomized Automatic setting. While some buzzers will give you a preset pattern is easily guessed (short buzz, short buzz, long buzz, repeat), this pattern is long and diverse enough to feel varied and nearly random. For the twirling bits, that's exactly what I've been waiting for – no more clamping down on an easily guessed rotation scheme and growing bored with its ineffectiveness. For the finger fluctuations, I enjoy the seeming random for the sake of its being seemingly random, but I'd much rather it stay strong and steady (and lucky for me, it does both!).

Mission get-off-with-new-toy a screaming success, I gratefully relaxed back with my partner in crime (and slime) for a post-game wrap-up. Overall, it’s a fun and very shiny and powerful knick-knack, and one that I’m glad to have in the box. Any minor drawbacks are more than made up for by the humorous interludes that it inspires. To illustrate: At the moment, I'm watching the Sutera Gen X wiggle its way across the desk, with its come hither fingers beckoning to me and its vaguely Darth Vaderish head buzzing out words of wisdom, such as "Luke, I am your father. And, by the way, your mother was a blow-up doll..." That, interspersed with bouts of deflecting it from my facial orifices (and no, it doesn't feel so bad in the ear, but it's just strange to have it rubbing against my eye), is making for quite the enjoyable evening. Of course, Vader doesn't know it yet, but he's bound for hyperspace again tonight!

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