by Christopher Ryan Disario - Vol 2 Issue 14

’Tis the season of giving. By now, hopefully, you’ve got all those special things bought and wrapped for your loved ones. Hopefully you’re reading this paper by the gentle glow of your Christmas Tree or your Menorah or whatever Hallmark icon you enjoy during this time of year.

But let’s think about a bigger picture. What about all those poor athletes that work so hard thrilling us all year long with their whacky antics on and off the playing fields. Who’s looking out for them?

My guess would be that we got to call in good ol’ Kris Kringle himself. After all- can you afford to buy something for your favorite starting pitcher. You could, but would it be anything that they would really want? Probably not.

So I’ll take it upon myself to write an open letter to Santa Claus on their behalf. I know they’re too humble to ask for anything really special. So these are some of my ideas.

Dear Santa,
For John Madden I have six words—“Queer Eye For The Straight Guy”. How great would it be to see Madden hanging out with the Fab Five? Al Michaels could set him up. They’d all burst into the Monday Night Football booth, hijack one of the most beloved icons in sports history and take him shopping. Hip him up a little. Just to hear Madden utter the word “metrosexual” would make me consider giving up another shot at a Patriots Super Bowl. Could you really imagine the look on John Madden’s face as Kyan teaches him to always work the product from the back of the hair to the front? I’m not even going to explain how funny the use of the telestrater would be in this scenario.

And Santa—With all his good fortune, please don’t forget LeBron James this Christmas. What do you bring the boy who has everything? How about a parachute so the drop down to earth won’t be so painful. Does anyone else get the same giddy feeling I do watching LeBron James? It’s not so much that I’m excited to watch his basketball prowess, it’s more an overwhelming excitement that in a few years the reality is going to set in that, as great as he may be, he’s still on the Cleveland Cavaliers. It’s only a matter of time until James is holed up in a five star hotel with a pound of blow, a pre-op call girl and Marv Albert.

I’d really like you to bring Mike Tyson a reality TV show of his very own. I don’t know how this hasn’t been done yet. In fact I think Fox screwed up royally by putting Nicole Richie on “The Simple Life”—It should have been Paris Hilton and Mike Tyson. First, there’s always the possibility that Tyson is going to punch a cow or a hillbilly or Paris or all three. That’s worth the price of admission alone. But then take into account the conversations we would hear between Tyson and Hilton as they got more and more homesick. You know there’d be a scene of Paris giving Mike a makeover and painting his nails.

Could you Bring Ken Griffey Jr. back to the Mariners for Christmas? This makes all the sense in the world. We’re looking at Edgar’s last season and Griffey has shown again and again that his days in centerfield are done. If the M’s think that signing Raul Ibanez is going to satisfy a town that loves its heroes and has the second highest revenue in baseball, they’re wrong. But bring back Griffey and three things happen; 1.) The Mariners will have potentially one of the most dangerous designated hitters in baseball, 2.) the sting of losing Edgar Martinez will be much easier to swallow when it brings back the player that put Seattle baseball on the map and 3.) The stupid Yankees won’t be able to get him.

Finally Santa- if you have the time- bring Gary Payton something nice that he can enjoy long after he’s done with basketball. The way I see it, eventually he’s going to realize that winning a championship ring on a store bought team full of hired gun all stars isn’t really anything to be all that proud of. After all, he really did do the Sonics a big favor by leaving and taking his bad attitude with him. Anyone that ever questions what a big factor locker room camaraderie is need only look at this team. Every “W” that The Sonics put up is more of an accomplishment than anything The Lakers will do this season. Gary’s not a bad guy and he’s not dumb so eventually it’s going to hit him that the ring sitting in the top drawer of his dresser ain’t nothing but a really impressive paper weight. I don’t know what you can bring him- just something nice that he’ll be able to truly appreciate- maybe a tape of Ray Allen hoisting the MVP trophy over his head- something like that.

I know you’re a busy guy Santa- If you can’t get to all of this I’ll understand. I just thought I might drop you a little heads up.

Yours Thoughtfully.
C—

(P.S. Thanks for bringing the Red Sox Curt Schilling. I know it happened the day after Thanksgiving, but I also know you had to have something to do with a score like that. If you bring us Keith Foulke too I’ll be good all next year. I promise.)