by Kelly A. Parks - Vol 2 Issue 14

Being as the holidays are upon us once again I met up with Jesus down at the Paradiso last week. I hadn’t spoken with him in quite some time and I thought now would be as good a time as any to pick his brain on the subject of Christmas and the holiday market. Over a double Hazelnut cappuccino and a couple of chocolate chip cookies we discussed America’s favorite holiday.

Kelly Parks: JC, how’s it going?
Jesus Christ: I’ve been busy as hell lately. I swear if it isn’t one thing it’s another. I’m still trying to get some people to understand that I am the same guy no matter what stupid culturally biased name they give Me. You’d think it wouldn’t be such a big deal, but man, sometimes I feel like just bringing out the old flaming sword and smiting the whole lot of you…oh… sorry man, nothing personal. I just get so frustrated with you talking monkeys sometimes. (Sipping his cappuccino) Sweet Me! Why must anyone serve a coffee at 200 degrees, who can drink that? Man I am telling you it’s [them little things] that’ll keep you out of the Pearlies. Sure I frown on the big ones like murder, rape, and liberalism, but it’s the incessant little ones that really piss Me off. Tele-marketers at 8:00am, criminals complaining about their rights, vegetarians, and coffee so hot it gives off visible light. That kinda crap will definitely get you a one-way ticket to the eternal campfire and you can bet your sweet ass that you’ll be singing Kumbayah till the reckoning…

Kelly: Okay…So, not to change the subject, considering your…flaming sword and all… but lets talk about Christmas in America. How do you feel about the homogenization of your birth and the corporate takeover of your religion’s most sacred days?
Jesus: Well, first, it’s not MY religion. Lets get that on the record. It's bad enough they freaking crucified My ass up on that godforsaken cross but then to go around spreading their deceit and lies in my name. First Paul and then the rest of them damned Romans…you know I go to hell every year just to watch them scream and burn…

Kelly: What Romans?
Jesus: Well, it first started with Bishop Telesphorus. Then Clement, down in Alexandria, was partying all year long but it wasn’t until Diocletian and Constantine that they really stuck it to me. Constantine was the one that officially turned Deus Sol Invictus Mithras’ birthday bash into Christ Mass, a bastardization of a sweet bacchanal. You see I had this sweet gig set up under the guise of Mithras and Shamash and then Constantine came along and screwed everything up. He took My kick ass party and turned it into a drag so he could control his people. But what did he do behind closed doors? You guessed it, he partied his ass off. Fucker. At least he’s burning in Hell tonight. (Shaking his fist at the ground) serves you right pig fucker!

Kelly: So, you are against Christmas then?
Jesus: Christmas? Hell no! I love that fat little man with the red suit and drunken-ass reindeer. Santa is my hero. Granted he’s been dead for a long time and he’s been transformed into a money monster but nevertheless when he was around he kicked it hardcore, hell, he still kicks it hardcore upstairs. When I do it over I’m gonna model my comeback after him. No martyrdom, no crosses, and sure as shit no nails. Man, my wrists still itch from that rookie move.

Listen man, Christmas is about giving. It’s about having a few drinks with your peoples, forgiving the dip shits and getting laid. It’s supposed to be enjoyed to the fullest.

Kelly: But what about the economic assault on the middle and lower classes, don’t you think that they deserve better?
Jesus: Them lazy fuckers are living in the land of milk and honey. There ain’t no pharaoh holding them down. Let my people go, shit, go-fucker-go! There’s no reason for poor people in your country. They complain about the Man and expect sympathy from Me. I been telling them for centuries, when the Man gets out of control you gotta rise up! Kick out the moneylenders, overturn their tables, render unto Caesar what is Caesars, render unto Me what is Mine…ad infinitum, ad nauseum. Shit the last Americans to pay any attention to me was that batch of revolutionary mutherfuckers back in the day. Hell, old Tommy Jefferson even went so far as to put my words in some semblance of order. You ever read his gospel?

Kelly: Uh…No
Jesus: Of course not, look man here’s my point. (Taking a deep breath) You people gotta stop whining over the dumb shit. You need to realize what you’re doing to yourselves. Christmas isn’t some vast corporate conspiracy devised by money-grubbing labor lords. It’s the product of what your people have asked for. It’s time to wake up and smell the 200-degree cappuccino. The world is what you make it. To quote one of my favorites, you reap what you sow. That’s it in a nutshell, man. It’s that simple.

Kelly: You’re probably right…
Jesus: I’m Jesus H. Christ, of course I’m right. Man, I’m a freaking God. Hey, listen, I gotta run but lets do this again soon. It was good to blow off some steam with you man, just like the good ol’ days.

Kelly: Yeah alright, thanks a lot and keep in touch.
And with a shake of the hand, off he went to solve who knows what problems the world faces.