by John Fox - Vol 4 Issue 38

As I have displayed many times before, I hate “hallmark” holidays with an undying passion. Along with Christmas and Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day needs to be abolished immediately and needs to be made illegal to celebrate. Heavy penalties and fines need to be dealt to those who feel the need to have holidays such as these.

“Hallmark” holidays bring nothing but misery, hatred, loneliness and suicide. Just like Christmas, Valentine's Day was created for the sole purpose of retail financial gain. Long ago, the owners of greeting card companies found that making people feel guilty would earn them great financial gain, a ploy that is still working today.

I personally AM NOT going to buy my girlfriend a damned thing to tell her that I love her. I tell her that every other day of the year. Yet she doesn't seem to understand me when I keep on telling her that I would rather drink battery acid than cave in to the pressures of corporate marketing schemes.

Every day, I can feel the pressure from her becoming more and more intense. Unfortunately for me, her birthday is around the same time. I know for a fact that I stand a pretty damned good chance of blowing that too. She has been asking me what I plan to do for her on her birthday and Valentine's Day on a daily basis for about three or four weeks now. She has been making it a point to physically point out February 2nd (her b-day) and Valentine's Day every fucking time we are in the vicinity of a calendar. I can feel her breath on the back of my neck getting heavier and heavier as each moment passes by.

I have relented a little when it comes to the birthday thing. She's a pretty light drinker; she gets absolutely blitzed by the time she gets half way through her third Coors Light. I've got her drinks covered. I've just been spending a lot of time thinking about how I am going to avoid the wrath of death when she comes to the physical realization that I mean it when I say, “I HATE VALENTINE'S DAY.”

I am thinking of pulling a total and complete disappearing act, playing the “I forgot” card the day after might be my best option. I could run errands and go to the arcade all day, sabotage greeting card stores or get some reading done. The coarse, verbal beating that I will receive would be fierce at first, but things should quickly simmer down after a few weeks of resentment, and then everything will return back to normal.

Two feelings that never seem to fail finding its way to all of us around Valentine's Day are supreme guilt and loneliness. When you're single, you cannot help but feel un-loved. That's why I say protest. There's nothing that a ski mask and a brick can’t cure. I – not The Sinner – fully encourage you to go to your local hardware store, buy a few cans of spray paint, a sack full of bricks, hop into you car and vandalize every single corporate retailer that is pushing anything that has to do with Valentine's Day. If I were you, I would look up every greeting card company in the phone book and work your way down the list, from top to bottom. No drug could make you more vindicated and exhilarated than hurling blunt objects through large sheets of glass and screaming at the top of your lungs in victory – let me tell you, I know first hand.

Another good idea would be to throw or go to a anti-Valentine's Day bash! A lot of cities have clubs and bars that will throw such engagements. Those always turn out to be tolerable and most people can rest assure that they'll at least get either drunk and/or laid by the end of the night, so everyone’s happy.

I went to one of these Anti-Valentine's Day bashes last year. Of course, I had been drinking for a majority of that day. The only thing that I remember is seeing a chick throw some dude into a dumpster behind the Crocodile Cafe, total darkness, a horrid smell, some ruffling around noises, a loud screech, a thud, and the sound of someone hitting the pavement really hard – then coming to the realization that it was me.