by Brian A. Boone - Vol 2 Issue 14

Santa Claus, the self proclaimed Father of Christmas, is fighting off serious allegations of child abuse in what is shaping up to be the legal battle of his lifetime. Christmastown Police criminal investigative units stormed Claus’ remote North Pole ranch.

“We will be filing charges against Mr. Claus for several counts of abuse against children stemming from numerous inappropriate relationships with as many as eight billion boys and girls,” said Christmasland district attorney Dom Sheldon at a press conference. “In our search, we found countless photographs of a visibly aroused Santa with children seated in his lap as well as evidence of Santa attempting to silence his victims by giving them all the toys they could want. There are also reams of correspondence between Mr. Claus and his accusers.”

“Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and unfortunately, he is one sick fucking pervert,” Sheldon added.

Free on $3 million bail he paid in Legos, model trains and Bratz dolls, Santa Claus handed out candy canes to the media while vehemently defending his innocence at the Christmastown County Jail.

Santa would never fondle or hurt a child. Santa loves all the children of the world,” Claus said. “There is nothing criminal or inappropriate in what Santa does with children. Santa is just a child at heart.”

Opponents would argue that Claus’ claim to love children is tenuous. Last spring, Claus dangled a baby off the edge of his flying sleigh. More damning is Claus’ $5 million payoff (in toys) to a 12-year-old boy who accused him of sexual misconduct in 1993.

“The case ten years ago has nothing to do with this one,” Claus offered. “The investigators in that case humiliated Santa and subjected Santa to a humiliating investigation that included taking pictures of Santa’s private parts. The Christmastown Police are horrible scoundrels who will not rest until they destroy Santa.”

“Lies run sprints, but the truth runs marathons. Ho! Ho! Ho! Merrrrrrry Christmas!”

Current perceptions and attitudes toward Claus are a far cry from the do-no-wrong attitude the public bestowed on Santa at his peak. After years of strange behavior and increasing irrelevance, Claus is now generally thought of as a curious freak past his prime. This is best exemplified in the recent British documentary Living With Santa Claus. The man in red is depicted as a crazed, childish oddity who spends millions of dollars on toys, undergoes frequent plastic surgery procedures to make himself appear old and fat and lives in a remote, gated, circus-like paradise at the North Pole with a multitude of elves who serve his every whim. In the film, Claus brushed off his strange affinity for children.

“There’s nothing wrong with children sitting in Santa’s lap. It’s very charming,” he said. “And the children are the ones who always want to sit in my lap. I never ask them.”

Following the first abuse case, Claus has faced an almost endless barrage of legal troubles in the past decade. Highlights of his rap sheet include: price-fixing and insider trading; allegations of sweatshop labor in his elf-staffed toy factories; charges of animal cruelty towards flying reindeer; accusations by the Macy’s department store chain that he was not really Santa Clause; and indecent exposure and drunk and disorderly conduct at a 2001 Cincinnati Bengals game.

Mrs. Clause was not available for comment, but issued a statement in which she categorically denied the charges against her husband and vowed to support him throughout the impending legal ordeal.

She has also been photographed wearing a brand new, $5 million diamond ring.