by Mistress Blue - Vol 4 Issue 38

In my opinion, one of the most important thing that should be discussed during pre-play BDSM negotiation is how much warmup and aftercare the bottom (or top!) needs and/or wants. I find that it varies greatly, and is a large factor in how satisfying the scene is. Not providing enough warm-up can decrease the amount of sensation and/or pain the bottom can take--and more importantly, it can drastically decrease the pleasure he or she takes in the scene. Lack of aftercare can leave a bottom feeling abandoned, depressed, uncared for, and even guilty and ashamed. These two components of a scene can make or break it.

Getting Warmed Up
Warm-up in a scene has a lot in common with foreplay during sex. It helps get both players "in the mood." In my mind, warm-up can start long before the players are positioned in the dungeon. It can involve the planning of the scene days or even weeks beforehand; the anticipation and discussions about it, the setting up of the equipment or preparing the tools. I often instruct my bottoms to clean themselves inside and out before they arrive for our playtime, concentrating on preparing themselves for me. The frame of mind can be present and ready long before any rope is laid to limb or whip is put to skin.

Once we are ready to play, I like to ease my bottom slowly into the scene, especially if it's a playful one. Light teasing, affection, and lots of body contact are all good ways to start connecting. The top should take a little time and effort to remind the bottom how much he or she is cared for--this makes it much easier to take the fierceness of a heavy scene later on. A little cuddling is often nice. In many circumstances, I will also start the scene with erotic play vs. pain or punishment. A soft touch in the right places can help awaken the bottom's senses and put them firmly in bottom headspace.

I always caress the area of the bottom that is going to receive my attention beforehand--for instance, I mindfully rub a bottom's ass if they are going to be taking a spanking, or their back if I am going to flog them. I read a great description of this: it's as if you're saying "hello there!" and making a connection with that part of the body.

Then I am ready to begin actual play. I generally start lightly, whether it's a whipping, spanking, clamps, or non-sensation play. I increase the tempo and intensity slowly over time, reading my bottom's body language to make sure he or she can take the increased pace. A well-warmed up bottom can usually take a much more intense scene.

What about the bottom who doesn't want any warmup? Certain types of scenes are more effective without any warmup or much in the way of preparation. Sometimes a bottom wants a spanking, whipping, or other punishment that seems much more like "the real thing," where they are just thrown over a bench and harshly disciplined. This is a totally legitimate request--one more reason to communicate warmup and aftercare needs before the session begins!

Coming Back to Earth
Play scenes vary in their intensity, but even the most gentle, playful scene will tend to take both bottom and top out of the realm of the ordinary. After all, that's a big reason people do BDSM play--to transcend the normal, vanilla world and swim in the rich sea of fantasy and sensation. After the scene winds down, however, both players will have to come back to earth. Aftercare helps make that transition easier.

Generally, aftercare focuses on the bottom, but it can be a positive experience for the top as well. It helps both players reconnect with each other in a loving way, as opposed to the possibly harsh roleplay that came during the scene. It's especially important for the bottom to be in a safe, caring space as he or she comes out of the scene state. Pain, emotional turmoil, and anxiety can all arise right after a scene and a good top will be there to support and help the bottom process these feelings.

Often times the best aftercare is simply to hold the bottom. Make sure he or she is warm and comfortable. Don't try to pick the bottom's brains about how the scene went; if he or she wants to talk about, they will. Usually just being close and resting is enough. Other nice ways to bring the bottom down is to give them a gentle massage. I sometimes run a warm bubble bath for my bottom and gently bathe them. Food and rehydration is also a good idea for both the top and the bottom; you may be surprised how drained you are. Hot cocoa and cookies are my favorite aftercare snack.

Sometimes a bottom doesn't want aftercare. I find this often happens with male bottom, especially after they come. They just want to clean up and get going. If this is the case, don't try to force aftercare on someone. Again, this is a good reason to ask about these things beforehand.

With the right level of warmup and aftercare, you will find the "meat" of a BDSM scene can become a much better experience as well. It's well worth your time and effort to ensure the before and after portions of the scene are enjoyable for all concerned.

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