by Lady Ash
Feb 2003

The recent weather, holiday bullshit, and the unprecedented number of inane calls I’ve been getting have made me a bit peevish, so I’m going to highlight some of my most irritating, frustrating, unenlightened, and rarely, just plain stupid questions and comments I hear in the course of my business day. In this, I hope to educate and entertain (and vent), but most importantly I want to share some of the more tedious side of professional domination and fetish work. What follows is in no particular order.

1. “I want to be dominated. Can you do that?” Well, duh. Not only is it in the ad, I would guess that’s why they called me in the first place. When a client calls someone like me, they should have a clear idea of what “domination” means for them and SHARE IT. While Dommes have many attributes, I have yet to meet one blessed with clairvoyance.

2. “What are your measurements?” Why does it matter? That’s really me in the picture and I’m NAKED. How much more do you want? I can understand someone wanting to know my hair color or if I have freckles (both big fetish items), but my abilities as a sadist do not hinge on my dress size.

3. “Come over right now.” This one isn’t even a request. The same way a client would make an appointment with a therapist, plan ahead for a session. I am rarely available for last-minute trysts (I do have other goings on) and am less likely to be flexible in the face of rudeness.

4. “What do you do?” Where should I start? I do and am willing to try so many things, it would take an hour just to hit the high points. It’s a hell of a lot easier if a client has a list of things they want to try or do again and asks nicely if I am open to them. Chances are good I am. Besides, if they do manage to come up with something I am not into, I will refer. If I am not very experienced with something, I will always tell them. Why lie?

5. “Why does it cost so much?” Preparing for a scene takes time and begins long before I actually see a client. I will spend time on the phone learning about them and helping them feel comfortable with me, time ensuring my materials are clean and ready, time grooming, time travelling, time psyching myself up, and only then will the actual real time with my client begin. For every hour I spend with a client, I spend at least two hours of miscellaneous preparation.

6. “Why don’t you take Visa?” And how shall I bill that? ‘Services Rendered?’ I’m trying to avoid a paper trail.

7. “Why didn’t you answer when I called at 3am (or 4 or 5)?” I do not take appointments after the bars close. Do I really need to explain why?

8. “How much for full service?” While domination does fall loosely under ‘Adult Entertainment,’ I am not an escort. Trading sex for money is illegal and though SPD looks the other way a great deal of the time, I am not willing to take any risks. More importantly, my Daddy would be very upset. ‘Nuff said.

Before you go getting all indignant with me, let me say this: I choose to do this because I like it. It suits my nature in ways Corporate Drag never did and allows me undreamed-of freedom. What it also does is allow me access to people’s most private thoughts and moments. That is a position of immense trust. My relationship with my clients is often more psychologically intimate than the one they have with their partners and I value that very highly.

Unfortunately, that does not preclude me from having to deal with the occasional asshole. So, instead of brooding and stewing, I will use it for the amusement of my discerning readers.

I will leave you with the quote my best friend sent me on my holiday card: “You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm.” -Collette (1873-1954)

Amen, sister.