I noticed that last night, you indulged in a great deal of recreational vandalism. While I admire the perseverance you displayed while trying to break into my friend’s car, I have a couple of suggestions to help you be more successful in your career of nonviolent crime:

From the “artistic” reshaping you have done to the doors of the green sedan you mangled, it is apparent that you made three separate attempts to get the bitch to open her legs, sort of like how your mother does for me on a regular basis. It’s also apparent that you study under the criminal masterminds behind the UPN and FOX television networks. In real life, if you are targeting the make of car that my friend owns, you’d know that a crowbar and screw driver are not the tools of choice.

It appears that you were interested in gaining access to the cabin of my friend’s sedan. I’m not sure why you would do this, as the vehicle is by no means what anyone would consider a “prime target” or “highly desirable” vehicle. It’s an economy car with low-technology gadgets. If you had taken the time to look through the un-tinted windows, you would have seen the AM/FM cassette player. As a matter of fact, there was nothing else in the car accept a bag of pinecones flocked with artificial snow, a box of tampons, a blanket with a massive burn hole in the middle of it and discarded junk food wrappers. If it’s really that important to you, you can have the bag of pinecones, but it would have been a lot less stressful for you to just walk down to the end of the block and pick some up off of the ground.

There appears to be a direct correlation between your timing and the start of the retail holiday season. I understand that the sounds of the season are enough to make anyone want to pick up a crowbar. Just this afternoon, I was forced to endure the sound of Amy Grant screeching Jingle-Bell Rock full blast while rich people wandered around like zombies just throwing their money at garbage that nobody will appreciate, even if they were wrapped and with ribbons. Believe me, I was looking for my crowbar too! I couldn’t find my crowbar, so now my friend will spend the rest of the season shopping online from her home.

I would advise you to put your crowbar to better use next time. Instead of going after pinecones and tape players, use the crowbar to poke a hole in the hood of a car. Open the hood and steal a radiator or a carburetor, or an alternator. The aftermarket price on these and other “ators” is much higher than the aftermarket price of pinecones flocked with artificial snow. Besides, there’s over 100,000 miles on her car, its probably time for her to buy a replacement for one of these “ators” anyway.

In addition to your Artwork d’Crowbar, I want to thank you for the Artwork d’ Fingerprint that you left on both doors. I’m so glad that my buddy happened to have her car washed the night before you visited: the only prints on the car are hers, mine and yours! Your swirls and loops will be beautiful and clear underneath the fingerprinting powder. The cars you’ve broken into are a dime-a-dozen, I’m sure, but I’m so glad that I will have one of your official autographed masterpieces on file at the local police department.

Cordially yours,
John Fox

P.S. May you have a wonderful holiday in jail!