Politics and primaries are in the air, so Lucifer is way too busy on several campaign tours. Filling in for the Lord of Lies is your pal from the East, Buddha. If you want to talk to Buddha, sit and meditate for 24 years or email god@theseattlesinner.com. To speak with the Dark Lord, email: pres@whitehouse.gov or rather lucifer@theseattlesinner.com.

Dear Buddha,
What the hell happened to Seattle?! One minute we’re waist deep in exciting music, cool coffee shops, artist lofts and a prospective monorail transit system (we were the darling of the West Coast!). Next thing you know we’re drowning in Hummers, yuppies, Starbucks on every block, crappy emo rock, crime waves and smoggy haze. When did this city turn into such a shithole? And what can we do about it?
What the Fuck!

My dear WTF,
Why nothing really happened at all to Seattle. It’s simply natural for things to progress in wave-like motions. Looking at Seattle of 10 years ago, it does seem as if things have gone downhill. Everything this city was recognized for either faded away or was replaced by hollow facsimiles. However if you looked further back, you would see something that was barely a city, full of violence, drugs and unemployment. And even further back, a land full of promise, hope and exciting new opportunities. Why, it is simply a matter of riding the wave until it rises upwards once again.

Of course, if you follow my wave metaphor, you could notice that the wave tends to travel physically as well as spiritually. And if you plot the things you value on a map of Seattle, you’ll notice a southward trend. So perhaps now would be a good time to look into moving to Georgetown or South Park. Or better yet, seeing as how quickly the wave travels, perhaps Arizona would be a better choice. Get packing,
-Buddha

Oh God!
I just heard that Ralph Nader has entered his egotistical ass into the Presidential election, once a-fucking-gain. Can we please put this man out of our misery?
Frustrated Voter

Dear Voter,
Allow me to field this one on behalf of God. Lord knows He’s just as tired of Nader as most liberals are. After all the hard work it took for Him to get Ralph on the 2000 ballot, too.

Now would be a good time to remind you of the positive influence that Nader would like to enforce on the current candidates. Things like environmental turn around, election reform, decreasing big business influence and focusing on new energy sources. But to be honest, that guy is really getting under my skin. I would love more political parties, but not if one of them is represented by that schmuck! And I’m working with everlasting patience here, Voter.

In the end though, it would be best to let your voting do your talking, rather than your rotten tomatoes or veiled death threats.
Oh Boy Obama!
-Buddha

You suffering souls have made it through another calendar year.  I’ve received so many emails with the same question, that I’ve decided to choose two out of the many.  I apologize for my absence, but I’ve been following my own advice.  Email me at god@theseattlesinner.com or the Dark One at  Lucifer@theseattlesinner.com.

Oh Wise Buddha,
Happy New Year to you!  As of January 1st we have only 380 days left of incompetence and lies.  Do you have any advice to make the remaining year (plus two weeks) go as smoothly and quickly as possible?
Crossing my fingers,
Counting Down

Which is it?  Counting or Crossing?  You really shouldn’t finish your letters with two anonymous signatures.  I see your dilemma C.  You would like to spend the next year focusing on getting rid of negative influences, however you would also like to remain positive, optimistic, and on the path to Nirvana.  No problem. 

I suggest you start your new calendar with a nice hike in your nearby mountains... The Olympics, Cascades, Ranier, Deception, Constance, etc.  Do some climbing, snow shoeing, take some pictures, whatever it takes to cleanse your mind and spirit.  Next, find a nice unoccupied cave.  Oh, and don’t forget to pick an appealing, thin, yet durable tree branch along the way.  With me so far?  Good.  Now you want to spend your days alternately soaking in the wonders around you and beating yourself with that switch.  Pay attention to the animals and the weather.  By the time snow comes around and the days stretch longer, it should be time to come back down.  You should be in a state to enjoy your life no matter who still retains Head Office.  And should any disaster have befallen your city, then you’d be in a right state to start over again.
Happy New Year.
Buddha

Dear Buddha,
I can’t believe we still have to deal with that stupid president we didn’t elect!  I don’t think I can last a whole year with this idiot.  Do you have any advice for the new  year?
Fed Up

Geez, F.U.  Don’t you people have any other problems to deal with?  I mean, it’s not as if one person who live s 2,700 miles from you can have great effect on your soul or even your physical form.  If you’d rather not follow my advice to C., then I’ve got something else to keep you busy for a year.  Do you know any other deities?  Good, because it might help to get down on your knees and plead to them until next January comes around.
Chin up,
Buddha

God is currently in Hawaii attending a conference on “Creationism and the Growing Threat of Darwinist Theory” hosted by Tagaloa, the Somoan Creation Deity, with guest speaker, the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Filling in this month once again, the Lord of Ultimate Darkness.

Dear God,
When I was growing up my parents were very generous and gave me every toy I desired on condition that when I was bad I would have to smash my favorite me. One year I got a puppy. I loved that puppy, but I was bad. Anyway, I now have kids of my own and they want a pet kitten, I still have emotional scars from that incident, yet I believe in discipline. What should I do?
- A Strict Parent

I can’t believe I wasn’t invited to this conference, HE gets to go but do I the Lord of Ultimate Darkness? I can’t believe my credentials as a creator being are in question. I have had my hand in many useful items.

Credit Cards are my idea, does that surprise anyone?And it was I who created the internet! Ok, maybe not, but I made it a lot more fun! I created muzak. As you make the transition from this world to the next you know you’re in for a rough ride if it’s accompanied by a piano with violin rendition of “Highway to Hell”. Oh, I know most of you thought you’d find punk rock 24/7, well maybe a few of the bands, yes. Picture a large waiting room filled with the most unpleasant company, and you’re only comfort is an easy listening version of “Deck the Halls” played over and over and over.

And I really wanted to meet the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I heard he’s covered in a wonderfully rich tomato sauce, and really big balls. I love Italian food.

Oh yes, your petty problems. I myself don’t see one, but I’m told I have a wicked sense of humor. “Spare the rod soil the fun”, is what I say.

-Lord of Darkness
_____________________________________________

Dear Lord of Darkness,
Things are going well. That buffoon of a Command & Chief is only one step away from getting Impeached for spying on our citizens without a court oversight, then I’ll become the Supreme Commander. Still there are all these little countries that are demanding we put a halt to torturing our detainees. Once I’m the Supreme Commander do you think anyone would notice if I topple a few governments?
- Dastardly Immoral Commander (to be)

Oh “DIC”, my heart glows that things are going your way. I think feedback is always constructive except when it’s negative. I believe if you don’t have anything nice to say then shut the f**k up! Besides what goes for torture these days is nothing compared to what will happen to your immortal soul in the here after. I mean “DIC” we have such plans for you and W, I get aroused just thinking about it. So topple away.

- Lord of Darkness

The God is back in town. Thank you mortals for all your emails. And thanks to Luci(fer) for hacking into those emails. Send you wholly problems to godprob@yahoo.com and your devilish thoughts to lu_cipher05@yahoo.com.

Dear God,
I've just had a recent run in with someone whom I believe of your employ. His name is Mr. Reaper and he came to me during a recent outdoor excursion. He said he was simply there to make my acquaintance and informed me of a yet to be determined future meeting. I'm afraid he was out of cards, so I was unable to obtain his direct address; which is the reason I am submitting my request to you. Could you make available to me your suggestions on canceling this get together with Death? I can humbly tell you that I am an attorney of notable stature, so I would be willing to offer my services to you at a fairly discounted rate in exchange.
Sincerely yours,
H. Whittington

Dear H.,
How are you feeling? I wish I could offer you some sympathy or even some “Christian Cheer,” however you are a lawyer after all. You knew what you were getting into in your second semester at U of Texas, and then joining Phi Delta Theta. Wasn't one of your pledges to renounce ME and sell your soul to MY counterpart? What did you think your frat bros were doing while you were blindfolded and naked with a noose around your wang?! So, it is a tad late to come crying Faust on ME. Don't worry too much, though. I've seen the pad your friends have reserved down there and it's pretty posh. Luci even sent ME the designer's phone number and he's hooking ME up with your drapes and curtain rods.

As for Death, I had to let him go after he threatened to go union on ME. I just don't run that kind of shop up here. He's been an independent contractor ever since. And you are technically out of MY hands. So, I had to forward your letter to my pal Lucifer, but I guess I can CC 'ole Death while I AM there. But, he feels the same way about lawyers as well as everyone else. So, good luck with that. My advice: sit back and enjoy your new found celebrity status while you still can. I know Leno, Letterman and Conan would love to have you on. They've been thanking me just about every night since your mishap.

Dear God,
I live in a house with some guys and two cats. The cats belong to one of my roommates and we all love them. I recently just got a cat of my own, but he refuses to get along with the cats already living there. Every time they approach him, he hisses and snarls. Normally, he’s a pretty easygoing cat. What can I do to have them all just get along?
Cranky Kitty, Seattle

I appreciate your problem CK, I really do. I’M still trying to figure out how to have all my pets get along peacefully. I mean, first there’s Man going around with his hunting and eating, raising and slaughtering, whipping, caging, and sticking the occasional firecracker up some critter’s bum. Then those Sharks, just eating and attacking anything they can get their fins on. And don’t get ME started with the Cats and Dogs, sheesh. You could try the method I’VE used for several millennia: Just leave them be. I mean, I figured these animals could sort it out amongst themselves. Sure there will be a period of fussin’ and fightin’, but after time they’ll figure out they’re all stuck in the same place. And eventually they will have to find some way of getting along. They may not be all lovey-dovey, but it gets exhausting getting into a fight every time you want to use the litter box. Then again, look how well that method has done for Earth. Feh.

So…let’s try this. Ship all the cats to some island in the South Pacific, without any cat amenities. Then, let them fend for themselves. Oh, and every day arrange some insipid challenge for them to accomplish. And at the end of the week, they get to vote one of the cats off the island. Better film the whole thing while you’re there. Make some money off of these house pests for once. The whole thing should either bond all the kitties together, or get one of them a chance at hosting it’s own talk show. Either way, problem solved.

Dear God,
I’m in trouble with the people. So, I’m on vacation at my ranch when a whole mess of trouble goes down at the office. Now, everyone is chewing at my heels that I didn’t call in or rush back from my relaxation. I mean, I’m ON VACATION! I think the leader of the entire free world is entitled to just one more cotton pickin’ week of barbecuing and beer drinking! Am I right? Ok, so maybe a few thousand people died, and some more get stuck in the Superdome without any toilets. Hey, there’s been many a night that I’ve watered the roses in the garden after a few brewskies with the boys, if you know what I mean. Anyway, seeing as how you were right about Iraq and the re-election, think you can help me out with this one?
Rancho Relaxo

Yo Rancho,
I hear you, my child. MYSELF, I put in six days of work then spend the end of time pretty much resting on my heinie. Of course, those first six days were pretty ME-damn brutal. And in MY defense, one day feels like a hundred thousand years. Don’t take ME literally when I say that. Or do, see if I care. Anyhoo, I wouldn’t worry too much about the people. Those rabble are so hard to please. And just because you’re the head cheese of all those mortals doesn’t mean you have to care about every single one. I got more people under me and I only care about a handful of them. Alright, the press and the poor have been riding your ass for not reacting so fast. But, you and I both know you had other things to do. Yeah, I was there for that twenty pound bass you reeled in. I heard your prayer and I was glad to oblige.
Take it easy,
God

P.S. Thanks for taking the brunt of the blame for that K thing. I owe you one, pardner. Just don’t ask me about that Iraq thing, my exit strategy involves a little too much fire and brimstone reigning down on the Earth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear God,
My God! I believe I have fallen from grace. I have always been YOUR most faithful servant. I study the great book every day and night. And I have sought to spread YOUR words of love and wisdom, while condemning those who sin against you. In an effort to further spread the Bible, I have penned for a local weekly entertainment newspaper. And as it says in Chronicles 19:2: "Should you help the wicked and love those who hate the LORD? Because of this, wrath has gone out against you from the LORD." Do you forgive me?
Reverend Buddy

Listen to ME Buddy!
You have blasphemed ME for the last time, puny mortal! As it says in Proverbs 30: 5-6: "Every word of God is pure…Add thou not unto his words, lest he reprove thee and thou be found a liar." I condemn thee and offer you the following atonements.

I. Tie 10 rosary beads together, swallow one end, wait a few hours, floss and repeat a thousand times.
II. Take off your shoes, socks, and all your clothes, put on some sackcloth and wander the earth. Better yet, exchange all your clothes for tight black denim, a white belt, and Converse sneakers, then wander the Pike Pine corridor.
III. Drop Dead… For as it says in Deuteronomy 18:20 : "But any prophet falsely claims to speak for me must die." Forfeit your most unholy and unfunny column. Should you persist in your ways, I shall be forced to smite the world and kill some firstborn babies or something.
The One and Only, God