What exactly is a God? You hear the word mentioned quite a bit from the fanatics and half-ass religious alike. But I really don’t think that they realize or understand what a God actually is, at least from a logical point of view. So let’s take a moment to peel back the layers of this concept called God.

Throughout history thousands of different cultures have created a smorgasbord of different gods to choose from. And even with their many differences, there’s just a few similarities that stand out no matter what Deities you suck-ass with.

First, a god must have immortality; what good is a God if he/she up and dies on you. Second, magical powers are a must; why pay homage to a God if you are not going to get something in return. Third, opiate of the masses. Who wants a God that’s not popular; converting your friends is a must. Fourth, must have a government sanctioned God. No matter how powerful your Deity is, without the government pushing your particular supreme being, it just won’t look as good. And last but not least, a God must have a low self-esteem; no matter how intelligent your magical Master may be, he/she must require 24/7 of continuous groveling by its followers.

There are other similarities that I have noticed during my stay on planet Earth (should be named Aqua) that do require mentioning. A God doesn’t necessarily have to speak your particular language or answer you in any way. You are perfectly happy to serve no matter what the God does. For example, your house could blow up killing your entire family. Instead of chastising your deity for not aiding you in your time of need, that night on the news you would feel it necessary to thank your God for what he has done even though you can’t remember anything the deity had done for you.

The same reasoning works; say for instance, if you were at church placating to your God’s low self-esteem and all of a sudden a tornado strikes your church killing a few people but not you. Of course you would be shaken up, but being angry with your deity for playing with a tornado recklessly would not cross your mind. And if anyone was concerned about the people who died, you would just comment that your God had taken them with him. Of course you would not be worried a bit about these people going to live with their murderer.

Also be sure to look in really small and obscure places for your God’s handy work. Don’t expect a new car in the driveway or feeding all the starving children, but if a statue starts dripping blood - now that’s a miracle! Especially if you start bleeding out of your hands and feet, Woopie! Now you’ve really got a miracle. Just don’t ask what it’s for or why Deities are known for not making any sense like killing their children or cutting foreskins off of their penises.

I hope I’ve helped in some way to calm your fears about choosing a particular Deity for you personal enjoyment. And remember no matter which ones you choose to grovel to, don’t expect much in return. God’s may come and go but ignorance is eternal.